Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
Kumbaya around the campfire…
I just really wanted to type this quick message up to thank all of you ladies who read and support this blog. I originally started this blog as a way to vent my frustration and personal struggles, and it really just blew up and ended up being something that people were interested in reading. I am so grateful for the support of those of you who are going through your own journeys (Jessi, Kristin, just to name a couple)…it means so much to me.
I just felt like I had to type this because I was going through some of my Google Analytics with my husband, and I haven’t checked them since I started this blog. I instantly started to tear up at the numbers, just because I couldn’t believe how many women I had reached. It’s not just about a number on Google Analytics for me…it’s about each of those numbers being a face, a heart, a reproductive system that has been compromised…a couple who is struggling through infertility. All I want to do is reach out and help educate other women not just on infertility itself, but on the wide range of emotions that come along with it.
When I first started this journey of mine, I had feelings that I thought were absolutely borderline psychotic. I thought I could never share them with even my husband, let alone the internet, because I thought they’d have me in a white padded room within hours if I did. Then, I realized that my feelings and emotions were once another woman’s feelings, and my emotions are currently another woman’s feelings…it’s just about making that personal connection to that other woman. I also think that as a society, we do not educate our general public well enough as to what infertility means, both clinically and psychologically.
I have a female friend who I have severed ties with, mostly because of this ignorance and this lack of education on infertility. When she got pregnant, she was shocked, and she complained and disliked most of her pregnancy. There were times when I would struggle through being by her side and being her friend during this time, but then once she had the baby, something inside of her changed even more so. She started habitually making remarks, such as, “You don’t know true love until you become a mother,” or, “There is no job in the world so important as being a mother,” or, “My daughter is everything to me, and people who don’t have kids will never understand.” They were being made constantly…through e-mail, IM, social media sites like Facebook/MySpace…and I started to become really disgusted. Besides the obvious fact that my friend clearly had serious insecurity/self-esteem issues, it felt like each time she did it, she was personally digging at me. Like as if I needed someone to kick me every single day at how I cannot have a baby, as if I needed someone to point, laugh, and remind me of what I struggle for. This is the first time I have publicly spoken of this ended friendship, and it will probably be the last. It is a story that I need to put out there, just this once, if not to relate to someone else, if not to air out my thoughts, if not to educate those who may be able to have kids easily. My ex-friend still goes through life every single day completely jaded. She is ignorant to the fact that some women spend months, years, and thousands of dollars trying to have what she had by accident. She is blind to the fact that her words are not just hurtful, but completely ignorant to the world around her. What about us who struggle with infertility? What about those couples who choose not to have any children, and are perfectly happy and content with life? Why does our world seem to breed such ignorance and darkness with people like her?
Before I get all philosophical on you guys, I don’t want to lose sight of the fact that I originally posted this to say a huge thank you to everyone who reads. I love you guys, and I hope no one ever feels like they can’t leave me a comment, or drop me a line, if not just to say, “Hey, I understand.” I mentioned this to my husband yesterday, and I think I may go through with this idea, but it takes a lot of courage. I have decided I may start vlogging (video blogging) my infertility journey and struggles. I recently bought a new HD camcorder, and I have had serious thoughts of wanting to just turn that camera on and spill my heart out on what is going on with me that particular week. If me vlogging is something that might hold any interest, even a smidge, please let me know…then again, I originally started this blog with the intent of having no readers, so I may go ahead and pursue it, even if no one watches it. Just for therapy sakes 
July 30th, 2009 at 10:10 PM
Jessi Wallace said:
Oh, this was lovely.
I am so glad that your blogging is becoming such a special thing. I still struggle with blogging about PCOS and my journey… I don’t know why. When I got my BFN last cycle, I was more devistated than I have EVER been. SoulCysters has been a huge help… I should blog more about it, but I just really struggle with it. I’m glad I have blogs like your to read. It helps me a lot. Thanks! 
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 PM
Kristin said:
Thank you for being here!
I feel like we are real life actual friends, and I just do not know what I would do without your random thoughts