Sunday, July 26th, 2009
Round #3
Yesterday I started Round #3 of my Clomid, and I will be taking it through Wednesday. My ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday, August 4th, at 2:30pm which will be CD13 for me. The ultrasound will just be for a “monitored cycle,” so we can see what my ovaries are (or are not) doing on the Clomid…
I am quite nervous for the U/S, not because of the actual procedure, but because of what we may or may not find out. It will basically confirm whether or not the 50mg is even helping me ovulate or producing any follicles. There are a few different outcomes with this U/S. First, if they find no maturing follicles, then it means the 50mg most likely isn’t (and hasn’t) been doing it for me, which at that point, I will probably be bumped up to a higher dosage. Second, if they do find good follicles, then I will be tweaking some things in my cycle this month. I will be tweaking when I take my progesterone, because if taken too early, it can confuse your body, and cause about-to-ovulate body to stop what it’s doing. Either way, the U/S will show something, and provide some insight. I am anxious just to KNOW one way or the other, and I think that if it shows I am not ovulating on this dosage, I won’t be upset or disappointed. I feel numb to a lot of the procedures and disappointments that infertility brings. I think I feel apathetic towards it at this point, and I have been fighting some serious negativity. My outlook lately has been pessimistic at best…I basically feel that my husband and I will never stare down at two lines on a pregnancy test. It not only seems unreachable and impossible, it seems unimaginable at this point. I want to tell everyone on this blog that I’m positive and cheerful, full of hope all the time, but at this particular week in time, I am just not.
Will hubby and I go to a higher dosage after this round, if it’s unsuccessful (<--I have to say that)? I am not entirely sure. Lord knows, being on all these fertility drugs and hormones sucks the life out of your body and soul, emotionally and physically. Also, we would like to continue, but with a specialist...an RE. Making that switch will be a big ordeal between appointments, sending my files over, etc, so we may do another round or two of an increased dosage with my doctor now, if she offers that.
One thing worth noting this cycle...I had an extremely light period. I actually don’t think that description does it justice…I had about half a day’s worth of spotting, where it was somewhere between spotting and light bleeding. Then, it went away. Nada, nothing, zilch. I have not had any bleeding or cramps since then, and no cramps this entire period. I’ve read that you can have light periods on Clomid, but hell, I don’t think you could even call mine anything more than spotting. Anyone else experience this?
I have just been trying to keep myself busy in the meantime with life and work. For those of you who know me well, I am a huge beauty addict and junkie. I spend most of my money on makeup, nail polish, and beauty products, in general. I am constantly doing makeup and nails for people, and getting compliments on it, so…I am developing a website based on beauty reviews, beauty products, and tutorials for hair/makeup/nails, and it is about halfway done. I am a photographer and a web designer, so I will be doing all my own CSS and photography for the site. I have been extremely excited about it, and I have all these fabulous ideas, so it has been not only keeping me challenged and busy, but it has really helped to build up my confidence and keep it there. Once the site is done, you had better believe I will be linking you guys here. I’m very excited about it.
This Clomid round has been giving me some different side effects already…and I am only 2 pills in. Yesterday, we were in the local movie store, renting movies, when I felt I was burning up from the inside out. I am pretty accustomed to the Clomid hot flashes by now, but this one was pretty intense. I’m also not used to the hot flashes starting so soon. Poor hubby has had to deal with me turning the thermostat on NORTH POLE setting. Other side effect is dizziness, which Clomid previously has not given me too much of. I took my Clomid this afternoon, then went out to Walmart and Lowe’s, and while in both stores, I felt extremely lightheaded, like I was suddenly in a dream sequence or walking on air. It was quite frightening, and weird, but I know it was due to my Clomid. Strange what varying symptoms we get throughout our Clomid rounds, eh?
On a final note, this week has been a bit rough for me emotionally with everything, which is why I think I feel so down and pessimistic. I woke up last week after having the most vivid, realistic, glorious dream ever. I had a dream of getting a positive pregnancy test, and telling my husband…seeing his whole face and SOUL light up in front of me. In my dream, we laid in bed that night, and he rested his hand on my stomach, and cried to me about how happy he was that we had finally conceived. When I woke up from the dream, and realized it was just that…a dream, my entire emotions that day changed. My emotional investment into the dream seemed so realistic, like it was really happening. Upon waking, I just felt depressed and blue for the rest of the day. Maybe it sounds silly to let a dream get the best of me for a day, but I don’t care. It’s the raw truth. The other thing that happened to me this week was at the neighborhood pool. I was swimming, soaking up the sun, enjoying my day and time away from all my thoughts and cares, when I complimented a mother and her four year old daughter on how well she swam at such a young age. The mother was genuinely a total sweetheart, and a very attentive, loving Mom to this little girl. We kept talking, and eventually, she told me she was 4 months pregnant, and has been so nauseous from the pregnancy. She kept speaking about her pregnancy, and that was when something inside me clicked. I couldn’t be happy for her. I honest to goodness could not be happy for this woman, that she had a little baby growing inside of her. I realize that sounds completely rude and selfish, and maybe even a little crazy, but I just became more sad, the more she spoke about it. Here is this pregnant woman, a perfectly fit and wonderful mommy to her four year old, and I couldn’t be happy for her.
This infertility business really has to go.
July 27th, 2009 at 9:36 AM
Kristin said:
You know, I so love reading your blog.
I have never related so much to a total stranger!
I am so happy for your ultrasound, it will be so great to actually know for sure what is happening. I am praying for peace for you and hubby.
And as for the mommy at the pool … well … that is just the way it goes. Do not find more reasons to be hard on yourself.
July 27th, 2009 at 3:03 PM
Jessi Wallace said:
*hugs* I just posted a huge comment but the site said I entered the CAPTCHA incorrectly… *sigh* Well… good luck this cycle. I also have an U/S on the 1st. Please don’t give up hope if your follies aren’t responding to 50 mg… there is still hope yet. The P4 post “ovulation” should have told you in the past if you responded well or not. It sounds to me like you just need a higher dose.