Friday, July 17th, 2009
(Slight) Exhale…
It is now CD27, and I didn’t have any spotting or bleeding yet. 
This calls for a *huge* hip-hip-hooray! At this point, even if I were to get my dear AF, this cycle would still be considered a semi-success for me, because it was a “normal,” “textbook,” 28-day cycle. But, don’t misunderstand me — I want that witch to stay far, far away from me!
These past few days have gone by quickly, and while I’ve felt that tension every time I’ve gone to the bathroom to pee, wondering if I am going to find spotting, or if I am going to start my wicked AF, I’ve also felt a strange peace in me. DH has helped me realize that it is beyond my control what happens now, and I can’t blame myself. I think that is probably the hardest part of all of this…I feel like I am letting everyone down, particularly my husband. I feel like I am disappointing them, letting them down…and it feels worse than any other type of disappointment because it’s something I cannot give them. But not because of money, time, or resources…because of my body.
I’ve had very little cramping besides on and off cramping yesterday and today. The cramping is strange, however…it comes and goes, and it’s not intense. The cramping also tends to feel like it is more so on one side at times. The only other symptoms I have had have been most likely from my progesterone. I will say this one thing, however. If I *do* get my BFP this month, it will explain a lot of things. For one, my “side effects” on this progesterone have been EXTREMELY pronounced…my boobs are 5x more sore than last month, my moods are twice as emotional, I am nauseated unlike last time, I am 10x more fatigued, and my new side effect…which I rarely get (on medication or not)…headaches. Even my twelve year old niece commented yesterday while shopping at Ulta that I look “extremely tired.” I’ve been sleeping for 12+ hours a day between sleeping at night and naps! Oh my!
Of course, I am always scared to jinx myself, so I will just say this: It is entirely possible my body is just reacting differently/more strongly to the progesterone this month. Tomorrow night, CD28, is my last progesterone pill, and I have officially made it “full term,” in my cycle this month. I consider that to be a step up, and a success from last month. As each cycle day of mine keeps going by, and I don’t have any spotting or bleeding, I feel more and more blessed. I literally drop to my knees and thank God for giving me another day of faith and hope. And, that is all I can do…take it day by day.
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