Sunday, July 12th, 2009
Holding my breath
These past few days have been full of extreme tension for me. Will I get AF really early again and be completely disappointed and shattered, not only that she arrived, but that she came so early and I never had a chance? Will I make it past CD23 and CD24 (AF last month) without a single spot of blood?
I have literally been holding my breath and walking on eggshells these past couple of days. Every single time I go to the bathroom, I am holding my breath, praying I don’t see any start of AF. I am just lifting my situation up into the hands of God. Faith has got to be the hardest and most trying intangible thing in life ever. It’s believing, not seeing…and I have such a hard time with it. Faith is telling me to let go, that I have no control right now. Faith is telling me to trust that everything happens for a reason. Faith is telling me that I have a chance to be pregnant this cycle.
Last month, I started bleeding on CD23, and tomorrow marks CD23 for me. I feel like that expression…”CD23″ is completely and utterly frightening to me. I want more than anything to get past these next several days without getting AF, and I want to be able to take my last progesterone pill on CD28, and secretly wonder if I am pregnant, as I wait for AF. I want to be able to have that window at the end of the 2WW where I can lock myself in my bathroom and use a pregnancy test excitedly. And, last round, I didn’t even get that…after all my trouble, and all my waiting. So, I continue to hold my breath…
DH and I laid in bed today, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and daydreamed about what it would be like for me to be pregnant. The joys that some find so simple (”Honey–oops–I’m pregnant”), have been such a complex battle for us. Daydreaming about getting that BFP, daydreaming about finding out I am pregnant, and experiencing that joy together that first day we find out…it’s different for us. It’s different for women who struggle with infertility. It just may be one of the most profound experiences we will have aside from the actual birth of our children. I know I will drop to my knees when I do get my BFP one day, and I will probably cry my eyes out. Tears of pure disbelief and sheer joy. Because it WILL be a miracle…and, quite frankly, daydreaming is all DH and I have right now beside our faith.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:06 AM
Kristin said:
I have tears and nothing more to say than I know.
I know just how you feel, and you are not alone.
I am praying for both of us to have the strength to realize this is beyond our control, and we will someday drop to our knees in gratitude.
<3