If there is anyone still out there…join me in the next chapter of our book.

http://baby.blolg.org/

Before I switch over, though…quick update! We conceived 100% naturally, and I am beyond blessed. It makes me weepy to think about all of this. Since the last time I wrote in this blog, I had given up hope. I was depressed, anxiety ridden, and needed to seek therapy. Since November 2009, I have been in the care of a psychiatrist and a counselor. I also managed to lose over fifty pounds, start my own beauty blog (BeautyGala.com) and start birth control at the advisement of my OB/GYN. I went on birth control pills for three months, and decided to stop them due to side-effects. My husband and I decided that we would start trying again since I was doing well emotionally, mentally, and physically. In June of 2010 (last month), I waited for my first natural period to start after birth control. Unbelievably, I started a natural period on June 13th, 2010.

You probably know the rest of the story by now…I waited for yet another natural period. Well, instead I got the most beautiful sight I will ever see in my entire life: two lines on a pregnancy test, and a digital “PREGNANT.” So, here we are, and here I start my journey into motherhood. Please pray that my baby bean sticks!

So much has happened this month that has been negative in terms of infertility and trying to conceive. It seems like my DH and I have taken three great big steps backward in terms of starting a family, but I am fighting it with every morsel and grain of positivity I have left in my body. Some days, it doesn’t work, and my emotions take over…other days, I am overflowing with gratitude and humility for all I have been given. I think the trick is to revisit the things in your life that you are thankful for, even in the short-term.

When I am able to write a blog entry on where I’m at in my TTC journey currently, I will open my laptop, and let the words flow. For right now, I think I have writer’s block, and just don’t want to talk about. But, that day will come. For now…One.day.at.a.time. Without further ado…

9 things I am thankful for right now:

1) Our home. A long standing dream between my DH and I was to own our own home together. A place that we can call all our own, a place we could paint the walls and hang honeymoon photographs up on. We have always wanted a yard our furbabies could run around in, a patio to BBQ on, and beautiful family to share it with. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary of living in the brand new house we had built for us, and I couldn’t be more thankful for this haven we have put our love and energy in to. No matter where we vacation, who or what we see, we always gleefully march back into this place we call home.

2) Yoda and Gizmo. Yup, my furbabies. You guessed it! They are literally such a shining beam of light on DH and I every single day. They cheer us up when we’re down, snuggle with us on the couch, do goofy things to make us laugh, and love us unconditionally. They provide companionship for DH and I, and make us feel like we have a mini (very hairy) family already.

3) My health, in this day. Sure, I have PCOS and my ovaries are so lazy and cruel they make me want to punch their lights out sometimes, but I have my health. Today. Right now. I am breathing oxygen, and I woke up to another day. I think of how devastating infertility is to me, and I think of the irony between those who are very ill and me. I’m fighting to bring life into this world, and they are fighting for their own life. Let us be thankful for the health we are given.

4) Netflix. Okay, so you had to know a comical break was coming from me after all that heaviness! Seriously, though, I am thankful for Netflix. Maybe there are critics out there who knock movie watching versus reading books, and say it rots your brain…but luckily for that critic, I do both on a regular basis. I feel like Netflix has given me the opportunity to watch those movies I’ve always wanted to see and never can remember while standing in Blockbuster. It’s given me the opportunity to feel different character’s emotions, and escape into a story. It’s broadened my knowledge in culture, as well. I love the “Instant Watch’s” for dull nights, and I love Netflix. That is all.

5) Autumn. Autumn is hands down my favorite season, and my favorite time of year. If I could recreate the calendar year, it would be September-December only. I love how the weather changes, the air becomes crisp and the leaves change beautiful shades of colors that no one can seem to adequately describe using just the word, “red” (those leaves were vermilion and persimmon, okay?). Also, get  a load of all the events in chronological order starting on 9/8, going through 11/16: DH’s birthday, mother-in-law’s birthday, sister’s birthday, Mom’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, my birthday, brother’s birthday, father-in-law’s birthday. Phew. Autumn makes me the happiest girl in the world, though.

6) A healthy relationship/marriage. I was going to say that I am thankful for DH, but that would be an understatement, so instead I will say that I am very blessed to have a marriage based on such a strong and healthy foundation. DH and I are coming up on eleven years of being best friends. I see so many relationships around me fall apart, and see how their children are affected. It tears me up inside to see couples - both married and unmarried - crumble and fall apart. I thank God for such an incredible man in my life, and the ability for both of us to love each other unconditionally. It isn’t always easy, but time and time again, we come through.

7) My makeup/nail polish/beauty collection. I have a serious hobby in cosmetology and all things makeup and beauty. I wax my own eyebrows, do all my own intricate manicures, and do my own facials. What brings me the most joy is sharing my vast collection with others. I gave my Mom a complete “spa day,” at my house Saturday night where I gave her a manicure (complete with rhinestone nail art), dyed her hair, curled and styled it, and did her makeup for her. To see her eyes light up at all the nail polish possibilities, all the makeup possibilities…it made me realize that sometimes I take for granted all that I have. I need to start looking at my collection again, and letting my eyes light up when I see all I have. I am thankful for every piece I have that makes me feel pampered, artistic, and beautiful.

8 ) Freedom without limits/restrictions. This one is definitely an ode to infertility. While I may not be pregnant, while I may not be able to get pregnant on my own, or right now, I do have one thing that Mommy’s do not: Freedom. I can sleep in as late as I want to, I can go to bed when I want, I can drink that extra glass of red wine when I want, and I can leave the house to go to the store at the drop of a dime. I can use our money for things I want (see #7), and take vacations with DH. If you are thinking this sounds a bit hedonistic, you are probably correct…but only partly. Most Mommy’s I talk to do eventually miss these things once they have a baby, even if only once in awhile. I need to be thankful that I have these things in this moment, because one day when DH and I are blessed with a baby, my life will become my child.

9) Multiple talents. I feel like God has really blessed me with multiple talents in life. Some people are really great at one thing (see my DH with IT), and some people are great at multiple things they enjoy. I enjoy cooking, being a photographer, doing makeup/hair, web design/graphic design, and singing. Every single one of these things are actually things that people compliment me on regularly. This is not me patting myself on the back, or being an arrogant woman. This is me celebrating the fact that I can whip up a mean ricotta and spinach stuffed chicken or Bombay Curried Shrimp, do CSS for a website, take newborn portraits for a best friend, beat everyone at karaoke, and have people ask me how I did my nails/makeup. And, I am all one woman. We as women need to celebrate all that we are talented at more often. So many of us are multi-talented, yet don’t offer the world more than one of those.

I’ll close this post with a song I’ve been listening to a lot that has been empowering me on hard days…

” Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I’m a Super woman.”

-Alicia Keys, “Superwoman”

I just felt like I had to type this because I was going through some of my Google Analytics with my husband, and I haven’t checked them since I started this blog. I instantly started to tear up at the numbers, just because I couldn’t believe how many women I had reached. It’s not just about a number on Google Analytics for me…it’s about each of those numbers being a face, a heart, a reproductive system that has been compromised…a couple who is struggling through infertility. All I want to do is reach out and help educate other women not just on infertility itself, but on the wide range of emotions that come along with it.

When I first started this journey of mine, I had feelings that I thought were absolutely borderline psychotic. I thought I could never share them with even my husband, let alone the internet, because I thought they’d have me in a white padded room within hours if I did. Then, I realized that my feelings and emotions were once another woman’s feelings, and my emotions are currently another woman’s feelings…it’s just about making that personal connection to that other woman. I also think that as a society, we do not educate our general public well enough as to what infertility means, both clinically and psychologically.

I have a female friend who I have severed ties with, mostly because of this ignorance and this lack of education on infertility. When she got pregnant, she was shocked, and she complained and disliked most of her pregnancy. There were times when I would struggle through being by her side and being her friend during this time, but then once she had the baby, something inside of her changed even more so. She started habitually making remarks, such as, “You don’t know true love until you become a mother,” or, “There is no job in the world so important as being a mother,” or, “My daughter is everything to me, and people who don’t have kids will never understand.” They were being made constantly…through e-mail, IM, social media sites like Facebook/MySpace…and I started to become really disgusted. Besides the obvious fact that my friend clearly had serious insecurity/self-esteem issues, it felt like each time she did it, she was personally digging at me. Like as if I needed someone to kick me every single day at how I cannot have a baby, as if I needed someone to point, laugh, and remind me of what I struggle for. This is the first time I have publicly spoken of this ended friendship, and it will probably be the last. It is a story that I need to put out there, just this once, if not to relate to someone else, if not to air out my thoughts, if not to educate those who may be able to have kids easily. My ex-friend still goes through life every single day completely jaded. She is ignorant to the fact that some women spend months, years, and thousands of dollars trying to have what she had by accident. She is blind to the fact that her words are not just hurtful, but completely ignorant to the world around her. What about us who struggle with infertility? What about those couples who choose not to have any children, and are perfectly happy and content with life? Why does our world seem to breed such ignorance and darkness with people like her?

Before I get all philosophical on you guys, I don’t want to lose sight of the fact that I originally posted this to say a huge thank you to everyone who reads. I love you guys, and I hope no one ever feels like they can’t leave me a comment, or drop me a line, if not just to say, “Hey, I understand.” I mentioned this to my husband yesterday, and I think I may go through with this idea, but it takes a lot of courage. I have decided I may start vlogging (video blogging) my infertility journey and struggles. I recently bought a new HD camcorder, and I have had serious thoughts of wanting to just turn that camera on and spill my heart out on what is going on with me that particular week. If me vlogging is something that might hold any interest, even a smidge, please let me know…then again, I originally started this blog with the intent of having no readers, so I may go ahead and pursue it, even if no one watches it. Just for therapy sakes

I am quite nervous for the U/S, not because of the actual procedure, but because of what we may or may not find out. It will basically confirm whether or not the 50mg is even helping me ovulate or producing any follicles. There are a few different outcomes with this U/S. First, if they find no maturing follicles, then it means the 50mg most likely isn’t (and hasn’t) been doing it for me, which at that point, I will probably be bumped up to a higher dosage. Second, if they do find good follicles, then I will be tweaking some things in my cycle this month. I will be tweaking when I take my progesterone, because if taken too early, it can confuse your body, and cause about-to-ovulate body to stop what it’s doing. Either way, the U/S will show something, and provide some insight. I am anxious just to KNOW one way or the other, and I think that if it shows I am not ovulating on this dosage, I won’t be upset or disappointed. I feel numb to a lot of the procedures and disappointments that infertility brings. I think I feel apathetic towards it at this point, and I have been fighting some serious negativity. My outlook lately has been pessimistic at best…I basically feel that my husband and I will never stare down at two lines on a pregnancy test. It not only seems unreachable and impossible, it seems unimaginable at this point. I want to tell everyone on this blog that I’m positive and cheerful, full of hope all the time, but at this particular week in time, I am just not.

Will hubby and I go to a higher dosage after this round, if it’s unsuccessful (<--I have to say that)? I am not entirely sure. Lord knows, being on all these fertility drugs and hormones sucks the life out of your body and soul, emotionally and physically. Also, we would like to continue, but with a specialist...an RE. Making that switch will be a big ordeal between appointments, sending my files over, etc, so we may do another round or two of an increased dosage with my doctor now, if she offers that.

One thing worth noting this cycle...I had an extremely light period. I actually don’t think that description does it justice…I had about half a day’s worth of spotting, where it was somewhere between spotting and light bleeding. Then, it went away. Nada, nothing, zilch. I have not had any bleeding or cramps since then, and no cramps this entire period. I’ve read that you can have light periods on Clomid, but hell, I don’t think you could even call mine anything more than spotting. Anyone else experience this?

I have just been trying to keep myself busy in the meantime with life and work. For those of you who know me well, I am a huge beauty addict and junkie. I spend most of my money on makeup, nail polish, and beauty products, in general. I am constantly doing makeup and nails for people, and getting compliments on it, so…I am developing a website based on beauty reviews, beauty products, and tutorials for hair/makeup/nails, and it is about halfway done. I am a photographer and a web designer, so I will be doing all my own CSS and photography for the site. I have been extremely excited about it, and I have all these fabulous ideas, so it has been not only keeping me challenged and busy, but it has really helped to build up my confidence and keep it there. Once the site is done, you had better believe I will be linking you guys here. I’m very excited about it.

This Clomid round has been giving me some different side effects already…and I am only 2 pills in. Yesterday, we were in the local movie store, renting movies, when I felt I was burning up from the inside out. I am pretty accustomed to the Clomid hot flashes by now, but this one was pretty intense. I’m also not used to the hot flashes starting so soon. Poor hubby has had to deal with me turning the thermostat on NORTH POLE setting. Other side effect is dizziness, which Clomid previously has not given me too much of. I took my Clomid this afternoon, then went out to Walmart and Lowe’s, and while in both stores, I felt extremely lightheaded, like I was suddenly in a dream sequence or walking on air. It was quite frightening, and weird, but I know it was due to my Clomid. Strange what varying symptoms we get throughout our Clomid rounds, eh?

On a final note, this week has been a bit rough for me emotionally with everything, which is why I think I feel so down and pessimistic. I woke up last week after having the most vivid, realistic, glorious dream ever. I had a dream of getting a positive pregnancy test, and telling my husband…seeing his whole face and SOUL light up in front of me. In my dream, we laid in bed that night, and he rested his hand on my stomach, and cried to me about how happy he was that we had finally conceived. When I woke up from the dream, and realized it was just that…a dream, my entire emotions that day changed. My emotional investment into the dream seemed so realistic, like it was really happening. Upon waking, I just felt depressed and blue for the rest of the day. Maybe it sounds silly to let a dream get the best of me for a day, but I don’t care. It’s the raw truth. The other thing that happened to me this week was at the neighborhood pool. I was swimming, soaking up the sun, enjoying my day and time away from all my thoughts and cares, when I complimented a mother and her four year old daughter on how well she swam at such a young age. The mother was genuinely a total sweetheart, and a very attentive, loving Mom to this little girl. We kept talking, and eventually, she told me she was 4 months pregnant, and has been so nauseous from the pregnancy. She kept speaking about her pregnancy, and that was when something inside me clicked. I couldn’t be happy for her. I honest to goodness could not be happy for this woman, that she had a little baby growing inside of her. I realize that sounds completely rude and selfish, and maybe even a little crazy, but I just became more sad, the more she spoke about it. Here is this pregnant woman, a perfectly fit and wonderful mommy to her four year old, and I couldn’t be happy for her.

This infertility business really has to go.

I feel like this cycle is easier than last cycle. You would think it would be harder, but maybe I’ve just become apathetic, hardened…numb to the fact that this Clomid isn’t working for me. It’s just so robotic and business-like for me. I realized I had AF…”Oh, time to call the doctor and schedule that Round 3 ultrasound appointment!” “Oh, better call in my third round of Clomid to the pharmacy!” I feel like maybe I am stuffing my feelings a bit…becoming angry, slightly bitter, but instead…apathetic to it all, rather than break  down and cry. I’d like to think I am hitting a point where I am finding acceptance of my situation and things uncontrollable by me, but I am honest with myself and my blog readers…I am not sure if that is what it is.

Either way, I cannot express how much Kristin is an inspiration to me over at her blog, with her positive, upbeat energy, even through the storm. I had a very “normal,” “textbook” cycle this month…and I have received what I prayed to and longed to God for…hope. That window of opportunity at the end of a two week wait where I have that “chance” to be pregnant. To be able to have a “normal” length cycle on these medications, and to be able to test at the end. I longed and prayed for that after a very short, disappointing first cycle on Clomid, and he has answered my prayers this month.

I am a bit nervous and anxious about my internal ultrasound…what will my ovaries look like after three rounds of Clomid? Will it even show any developed follicles? Will my cysts be larger or will there be more of them? It is scary, and everything is unknown right now. I need to take it one day at a time for right now, because it is all extremely overwhelming.

These past few days have gone by quickly, and while I’ve felt that tension every time I’ve gone to the bathroom to pee, wondering if I am going to find spotting, or if I am going to start my wicked AF, I’ve also felt a strange peace in me. DH has helped me realize that it is beyond my control what happens now, and I can’t blame myself. I think that is probably the hardest part of all of this…I feel like I am letting everyone down, particularly my husband. I feel like I am disappointing them, letting them down…and it feels worse than any other type of disappointment because it’s something I cannot give them. But not because of money, time, or resources…because of my body.

I’ve had very little cramping besides on and off cramping yesterday and today. The cramping is strange, however…it comes and goes, and it’s not intense. The cramping also tends to feel like it is more so on one side at times. The only other symptoms I have had have been most likely from my progesterone. I will say this one thing, however. If I *do* get my BFP this month, it will explain a lot of things. For one, my “side effects” on this progesterone have been EXTREMELY pronounced…my boobs are 5x more sore than last month, my moods are twice as emotional, I am nauseated unlike last time, I am 10x more fatigued, and my new side effect…which I rarely get (on medication or not)…headaches. Even my twelve year old niece commented yesterday while shopping at Ulta that I look “extremely tired.” I’ve been sleeping for 12+ hours a day between sleeping at night and naps! Oh my!

Of course, I am always scared to jinx myself, so I will just say this: It is entirely possible my body is just reacting differently/more strongly to the progesterone this month. Tomorrow night, CD28, is my last progesterone pill, and I have officially made it “full term,” in my cycle this month. I consider that to be a step up, and a success from last month. As each cycle day of mine keeps going by, and I don’t have any spotting or bleeding, I feel more and more blessed. I literally drop to my knees and thank God for giving me another day of faith and hope. And, that is all I can do…take it day by day.

It happens every 1-5 minutes, depending, and it varies from a dull aching pain to a sharp twinge, almost like a shooting gas pain, or, as I like to call it, a knife twisting in my ovary. It’s not constant, and it’s not extreme, it’s just plain uncomfortable. I am hoping it is not a cyst or anything of that nature, and obviously hoping it doesn’t get any worse. I have had Jessi tell me that ovulation on Clomid can be quite painful, but I definitely didn’t experience this feeling last round…

So, I am not quite sure what it could be…ovulation (on CD23? Wouldn’t that be ironic?), or some kind of cyst? Possibly some kind of weird pains if I am pregnant? I have no clue. I will keep you updated as to whether this goes away, or any additional symptoms. Any insight is greatly appreciated!

I have literally been holding my breath and walking on eggshells these past couple of days. Every single time I go to the bathroom, I am holding my breath, praying I don’t see any start of AF. I am just lifting my situation up into the hands of God. Faith has got to be the hardest and most trying intangible thing in life ever. It’s believing, not seeing…and I have such a hard time with it. Faith is telling me to let go, that I have no control right now. Faith is telling me to trust that everything happens for a reason. Faith is telling me that I have a chance to be pregnant this cycle.

Last month, I started bleeding on CD23, and tomorrow marks CD23 for me. I feel like that expression…”CD23″ is completely and utterly frightening to me. I want more than anything to get past these next several days without getting AF, and I want to be able to take my last progesterone pill on CD28, and secretly wonder if I am pregnant, as I wait for AF. I want to be able to have that window at the end of the 2WW where I can lock myself in my bathroom and use a pregnancy test excitedly. And, last round, I didn’t even get that…after all my trouble, and all my waiting. So, I continue to hold my breath…

DH and I laid in bed today, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and daydreamed about what it would be like for me to be pregnant. The joys that some find so simple (”Honey–oops–I’m pregnant”), have been such a complex battle for us. Daydreaming about getting that BFP, daydreaming about finding out I am pregnant, and experiencing that joy together that first day we find out…it’s different for us. It’s different for women who struggle with infertility. It just may be one of the most profound experiences we will have aside from the actual birth of our children. I know I will drop to my knees when I do get my BFP one day, and I will probably cry my eyes out. Tears of pure disbelief and sheer joy. Because it WILL be a miracle…and, quite frankly, daydreaming is all DH and I have right now beside our faith.

The reason I’m begging here is not so much because of side effects. This round has actually not been that complex and difficult for me, and I am still undecided whether it is because I really am having less side effects, or if it’s the whole “placebo effect” of knowing what to expect already. In Atlanta, I was having those hot flashes and some lightheadedness upon being out in the heat so much, but that was during the last couple of days of my round. Since then, my side effects have been little to none…hot flashes, and that is it, but the hot flash fairy and I are pretty tight. I know her tricks already.

I started the Prometrium a day later than I was supposed to. I was supposed to start on July 4th, that night, but it was Independence Day, and we were having a good time that night, and I didn’t want to be knocked out cold. I just wanted one night of freedom from that groggy, out-of-it feeling the progesterone gives me. Also, strangely enough, my doctor gives me progesterone CD14-28, and I had some concerns about her reasoning for that. Most ladies I know who take progesterone supplements take them after they have ovulated, but we are not quite sure with me when/if I am ovulating on Clomid. Thus, the doctor assumes that from CD14 and on, I should be taking this progesterone. I am fine taking it whenever I need to in case of possible conception, but if I get another CD24 period like last time, I am going to start raising an eyebrow at this progesterone timing.

So…symptoms at CD19? Really nothing unusual other than headaches. The past four days or so I have been having these wicked headaches that come on, and they are the one side effect I have never had yet with any of the medications I’ve been on, so it’s a little weird for me. Unfortunately, the progesterone can bring on all these “early pregnancy” symptoms and signs, like sore boobs (check!), sleepiness (check!), and headaches (check!). I try not to read too much into anything because I am a tad superstitious, and because I don’t want to be set up for disappointment.

DH keeps telling me he has an intuition, a great feeling about this cycle. Not in the sense that he thinks I will necessarily get pregnant, but that I did/will ovulate on this round, and that my period will not come crazy early. In all honesty, I, too, have this weird feeling inside about this cycle…like it’s doing it’s thing, and even if I don’t get my BFP, that I will have a better cycle than last time. Or, maybe it’s not an intuition or feeling at all, but this little thing called HOPE.

PS: I am really excited for Jessi this cycle because they found THREE (count ‘em!) good follicles during her ultrasound, and they have reason to have great hope this month. Let’s all pray for Jessi and her hubby!